I’m going to write a more substantial analysis of my Javascript/Rails Portfolio Project at a later time, but right now I just felt I needed to explore what it was like to write an application while living in the epicenter of a global pandemic.
So a few days into starting my fourth portfolio project, I was laid off. I live in Queens, NY and worked in Manhattan. As the COVID-19 news became more and more dire, I lost my job just like most of the restaurant workers in the city. One of my first thoughts was, “Oh, well, at least I’ll have more time to work on my portfolio project.” That thought was quickly replaced by, “Wait, my healthcare was attached to that job and I have a two year old daughter and a rent and bills and oh my god what is happening…” I really fell into a panic spiral, trying to somehow stave off those thoughts of dread with CODING CODING CODING.
I became this aggressive, angry version of myself, furiouslly pounding away at the keyboard as I tried to funnel all of that discomfort into work. The strategy failed. I collapsed under the weight of it all. To be candid, some of the darkest moments I’ve had in a long time came shortly after letting everything sink in…the weight of the moment.
My wife forced me to take breaks, to eat, to drink some water. Luckily, she has kept her job and is able to provide for the both of us in this moment. More than anything, what she has provided is a reminder to be gentle with myself. To realize the impossibility of the task in front of me.
There are ambulances who come by our apartment building regularly. They pick up people, everyone has on a mask, everyone realizes what’s happening. They drive them to a nearby hospital, all within view of my window. At this hospital there are freezer trucks for the bodies and a line of people waiting to walk inside like some kind of sick twisted factory.
And in the middle of all of this, I am supposed to sit down at the computer and engage in LOGIC. I truly do not know how I finished. There would be hours where I feel like I would write and delete the same line over and over, just because I couldn’t stay focused on what I was doing. It’s still a struggle.
I’ve made some peace with the situation, not fully, but some. I’ve tried to reframe everything as an exit strategy, a way out of my present circumstances. But who knows if that is really even the case. We have no idea what the world will look like in 3, 6, 9 months. But I choose to not remain stagnant. To move forward. To try and walk through the slog of a nightmare and find some level of comfort in doing that - I am walking after all. I am breathing. I am moving onto the next thing.
Again, I’ll put something together that is a more technical breakdown of this project, but right now - this is important for me to say.